I say this because, at least for me, I never actually thought I’d be living my life the way I am.
As a child, I always thought I’d be like my parents. I’d grow up, get married have some kids and be happy. As I grew older, I realized things don’t always work out as you would like them to as a child.
My mother was diagnosed with cancer when I was around 10 or 11. From then until she died our lives revolved around trying to make her better and comfortable. So much so, we moved from Michigan to Florida, because in Florida she would have someone to spend time with her while my father worked. I will forever be thankful to my aunt for making that possible.
When my mother died, things were difficult for a while, and my father and I were constantly at odds. After I graduated, I decided I wanted to be a photographer. I went to the community college and took art and photography classes. In high school and college, I was a very good artist. I loved to draw. And at the end of my semester in photography, my teacher said I had a bright future ahead of me if I continued.
I went to community college for about 2 years on and off, but I needed to work, to help my father with bills. So, I dropped out. My dreams changed, and I thought I can always go back to school. I then met Tony, at the time he was the first and only boyfriend I had ever had. To this day our three and a half years remains the longest relationship I’ve ever had with a guy, and looking back now, it really ended six months into our being together.
Still, I wanted to marry him and have kids. When things ended between us, he left me and moved back to Gainesville. It was during this time Hurricane Andrew blew into Miami, and I wound up living with my aunt. My car flooded, and all of my artwork and photo’s I’d taken were damaged and lost. I never really drew again. For several months, I pined for Tony. Always making plans to move to Gainesville. I’d even ordered several newspapers from the area to look at the job situation. I visited him during Thanksgiving and spent over $300 on Christmas presents for him. On New Years I finally realized, my wheels were just spinning, and nothing would ever, could ever come of us. So, I moved on.
My brother was married, my dad had remarried, my cousins were married, everyone in my family was married. My brother and cousins began to have kids and I was happy and excited because I thought my turn would come soon. It was when I was about 35 that I really realized having kids may not happen. At 41 I knew for sure kids were not in my future. I no longer have the patience or desire to give that much of myself. That and I would not have a child as a single woman. Not that I have a problem with being single and having kids, but I know how hard it is for single mothers. It’s hard enough for me to support myself now, I can’t even imagine having to support a child also. Sure I’d probably have help from my dad, but he’s retired and it would not be fair to burden him and his wife with having to take care of my kids or even help me monetarily.
So, my dreams have changed. I thought by this time in my life, I’d be married with 2 or 3 kids. I’m fine with not having children. For a long time, I mourned the kids I would never have, but now I’m okay with it. I have my beautiful cats, whom I absolutely love and spoil to no end. Those little furry four-legged creatures are my kids, and I have no problem saying so. I adore them. As for marriage, well I still would like that. At the very least, I’d like to meet someone who I can share interests with, do fun things with, and enjoy life with.
I sit here at work and wonder how to go about getting to the point of not dreading coming to work. I know, it’s time for me to go but, that’s easier said than done. I would not be able to support myself right now if I changed jobs. For now, I stay here. But, I”m keeping my eyes open.
Sure I wish there were some things in my life that were different. Like, my mother still being alive, or my having kept up my pursuit of photography, or even if I hadn’t met Tony. But because those things happened, I have met the people I know today. Every relationship I have, be it in person or over the internet I would not have, if anything in my life had not been the way it was.
No, I’m not where I thought I’d be, but I am where I am supposed to be.
My dear Nuria. I wish I could hug you for the naked and soul-baring way you’ve shared this of yourself. That takes courage.
There is nothing wrong with you just the way you are. One thing a friend once told me is it’s never too late. You have the soul of an artist. So you got a little sidetracked…reintroduce yourself to what you know and love. It may not look like you want at first, but it didn’t happen in a day the last time either. I bet your mother would love to see that you still did what you loved, even if it didn’t make you a living.
Find a goal, make it happen, but accept that like all good things, it takes time. But you have time. All the time in the world…the whole rest of your life, in fact 🙂
You’re a great woman capable of great things. Go forth and conquer, my sister. You really need to call me some time. 😉
If it helps your feelings, this wasn’t where my life was headed either. Before all of this I was headed for art college and a career in graphic design. One little plus sign and here I am 15 years later, married with six kids, no career, And no marketable skills. I appreciate life not turning out like one plans. *hugs*
Maybe no marketable skills, but you can do something a lot of people can’t, and that’s make someone who’s feeling like a pile of crap, feel like a light fluffy meringue. 🙂
Thank you my friend. You always make me smile. I am finding it very therapeutic writing my thoughts like this. So many times people lie, or are afraid to say things because of what others might say. I’ve long passed caring what people think. Maybe something I say will help someone else, who knows.
I have been thinking about picking up the art again. I’m even going to take my sewing machine and finally set it up, since I bought that little table this weekend. I’ve been toying with the idea of making cat toys or little pet scarves.
LOL, I told Lisa this past Friday when we went to dinner, I really think I’m pre-menopausal. I know something’s going on with me, emotionally, not to mention these mini-hot flashes I’m having.
I’ll call you one of these days. I’m just not a big phone talker.
I understand, believe me! You’ve seen some of the daffy shite that winds up on my lj, lol
I love that you’re moving in the direction of picking art up again, yay! I’m trying, it’s just finding the time at the moment.
Re:phone- Linde said that same thing to me…now an average phone call is her talking almost more than me, lol
I’m thinking if I can get my sewing skills improved, I might even make stuff to sell on Etsy.
Of course this will take time, since I’m going to have to deal with 5 curious kitties the second that machine is on the table.
Just tell them you’re trying to save up to buy them a bigger bed, lol
You’re not to far off! LOL, I’ve got a Queen now but I’m dying for a King.