A couple of weeks ago I had to say good-bye, for now, to my beloved Tortie, Czarina. She developed a serious issue in her left ear which led to a difficult decision. I won’t go into the specifics, but in the end, letting her go was the most compassionate thing I was able to do for her. She was 15 years old, and I had her for 12 of those years. I thought I had more time with my beautiful girl, but sadly I did not. I am thankful for all of these years I had with her, and I am thankful that even though I already had 4 cats, I decided to bring her inside when I found her. She was an amazing and loving girl. She was the one who slept cuddled in my arms. I miss that very much. She is with my boy, Vlad and my sweet Tati. She is no longer in pain.
I have, for the past two years, been dealing with serious issued due to my asthma. Last year at the beginning of the year I began taking some new medication. Xolair, which is given every two weeks, two shots at a time. My Pulmonologist also prescribed for me Combivent and the ProAir HFA. Now, these two are inhalers, and he had told me to use the Combivent for maintenance. I did this for close to a year. October of last year, I realized, my condition was not getting any better. I had decided it might be time for a new doctor. So, I put my auto deliveries of Xolair on hold and changed doctors. I’ve had to wait to see this new doctor because he was not taking in new patients until now.
Today was my first appointment. I am both angry and relieved. I am angry because I came to learn that what I was initially told was a maintenance medication, Combivent, is actually an emergency inhaler. Combivent is a combination of two drugs, one of which is albuterol, ProAir is albuterol. I’ve been double dosing myself basically for nearly a year. It’s been so bad that I’ve been using these inhalers 6 to 8 times a day. It’s no wonder I’m tired all the time!!! Honestly, I’m surprised I’ve not dropped dead of a heart attack.
My new doctor gave me a new maintenance medication, along with instructions to ONLY use one inhaler and only as needed. He also called me a little while ago because he’d forgotten to tell me to begin taking Allegra and also to tell me he called in medication to the pharmacy for post nasal drip. He took x-rays and even did a pulmonary breathing test in his office.
I finally feel like I’m actually going to start getting better! You really have to be your own advocate. I wish I had done this sooner. I may not have struggled so much with my breathing.
in 2015 I moved out of the condo I was renting and wound up having to move to the only place I could find on such short notice which was an efficiency. Actually, it’s a master bedroom which is closed off from the main house. This wasn’t ideal, but I needed a place to live that would let me have my cats and dog. I thought, okay this is just temporary, 6 months, maybe a year max. 3 years later, I’m still there. Just can’t afford to move.
But, on the up-side, the place is small so I really don’t have to spend too much time keeping it clean and picked up. AND, free wi-fi. I don’t have cable, which I thought would be torture, but I’ve actually come to appreciate not having to spend that obscene amount of money monthly for 500 channels, of which I only watch 5.
What do I watch? I have Netflix, of course, Amazon Prime, YouTube Red, and I also have a monthly subscription for Audible. I’m a little late in the game, but I have discovered Podcasts. I’ve been without cable for 3 years, and I really haven’t missed it. At first, though, I was thinking, “OMG what the hell am I going to do now?” But really, I love not having cable. In fact, when I finally have a normal place to live I won’t be getting cable again. I will set myself up with a good internet plan and that’s it.
If anyone is thinking about cutting the cable cord, DO IT!!! You won’t be sorry.
I had to go back to last year to see when the last time I posted. DAMN! It’s been a while. What’s worse is that in that last blog post I had intended to actually post more often. I need to stop these once a year posts. Seriously!
So, here we are, and I’m back. I spent most of last year dealing with my asthma. I’ve been taking high doses of prednisone for about a year. If you have never taken this then let me tell you, it sucks! I’ve gained well over 25 pounds and I haven’t seen my jawline in over a year. Moon face and a hump at the base of my neck, not very attractive. I’m also using two different inhalers on a daily basis as well as a medication called Xolair. The Xolair was supposed to help me cut back on the other medications, mainly the prednisone, but it didn’t help. After about a year of this, and only being able to see the pulmonologist occasionally, I decided to just see someone else in the hopes that another doctor can at least give me some answers as to what is going on and not just pump me with medication.
Now, in other news. What else is new, well my hair is thinning. Yup, my hair that I’ve always loved and been so proud of how full and thick it was, is fucking thinning and falling out. At first, it wasn’t too bad, but in the past four months, it’s just gotten really bad. The texture also changed too, and this I blame on the prednisone, as the hair loss. It’s frizzy all the time, nothing I could do helped, so I finally just cut it short. Oddly enough, this has helped a bit. I’ve also been wearing wigs, which I have found to be something I enjoy. I’ll do some posts on the ones I have in the future and post some photos.
All of the furry-butts are doing well and I’m still living in that studio/bedroom efficiency. I am hoping to find a larger place soon. I’m really in need of some more room, and some windows!!! I’d love to have a kitchen again, and a living room, and did I say windows?
I’m also considering revamping the page a bit, but I still like the theme I have so i may just leave it.
Wow! I didn’t realize I had been gone so long. I originally created this to have a place to write and connect with people. Somewhere along the way I just left this by the wayside. My last real post was back in 2014 and then I posted an article in 2017.
A lot has changed.
During the Christmas holidays of 2014, I was fired from a job I’d been at for nearly 11 years. My boss was always an asshole, but this time he really made it obvious. I was able to find another job in May of 2015 thankfully. Then in August of the same year, I said goodbye to Tati, my sweet little FeLV kitty. She almost made it to 5, and I am thankful she lived as long as she did. Cats with her disease don’t live much past 2 or 3.
Sadly, I also lost the love of my life in November of the same year. Vlad crossed the bridge after suffering from a blood disease for nearly a year. I miss him so very much. He was my soul mate and it hurts more because I was unable to be there for him in the end. They called me from the vet’s office and there was no time for me to get there. But my voice was the last voice he heard as he left this world, and I am grateful that at least I have that.
During that time I had moved to a new place. A very small place, actually, it’s a master bedroom suite. It’s a section of a house closed off. It’s the only place I was able to find that I could afford and the only place that allowed me to have all of my cats and my dog, and for that, I am extremely grateful as well.
This journey has been difficult and at times I have felt very alone. My health is not the best right now. I am dealing with uncontrolled asthma and it’s no fun. I’ve been taking prednisone now since December of 2017 and my face looks like a basketball. It’s swollen as is my neck and shoulders. Just one of the side-effects. Oh, and I’m losing my hair so yay fun.
Another big change in my life is I have decided to explore more my spiritual self. Organized religion is something I never felt comfortable with completely, and have always felt the call of the old ways. Witchcraft, yeah, those old ways.
This exploration has given me a new positivity. I feel like myself finally and I am able to create my own way. This is not to say that I have stopped believing in many of my Catholic/Christian beliefs, but I just added a few other beliefs. Like I said, I have never totally felt comfortable with organized religion and often believed several different things at the same time, merging it all in my head and making my own way.
This blog is taking a new direction and will include so many different, new and some old things. I still want to review food, talk about my pets, post my art, and generally bitch and moan about shit. But, I’ll also be adding some new things.
This is my journey and you are welcome to tag along. If not that’s okay, best of luck to you on your own journey. Oh, and no, I am not going to hell but thanks for thinking of me.
This is an excellent article, with links that are very useful for shutting apologists the hell up.
Source: Vick Fans Need to Know the Truth
I’ve been up and down and actually pretty busy for the last few weeks.
I found out a couple of months ago that my landlord was putting the condo I live in on the market. So for the past two months I’ve been on this anxiety ride. I’ve been going crazy looking for places to live that I could afford AND that would allow pets. I have several after all. Needless to say, living in Miami sucks if you are looking for a decent and inexpensive home. Everyone renting seems to think they are renting you a palace and seem to want to charge for one.
Trying to take it all in stride, I began working on art again. After losing the passion for it shortly after losing my entire portfolio filled with drawings and photographs during Hurricane Andrew back in 1992, I finally found it again. I picked up my sketchbook and began working on drawings and working on developing my own style again.
Things are looking up. I made three sales since last month, and have two commissions in the works. I also found out my condo is no longer on the market, as my landlady called me and said she just wasn’t getting the right offers for it. So, with the pressure off, and knowing that I can leave on my own terms next year like I had planned I’m a little more relieved.
If anyone is interested, my ETSY page is here.
Sunday afternoon, and I sit pondering of what will come next. It’s no surprise to anyone who knows me that I live in a constant state of worry. At this point, it’s second nature to me. I cannot control it, I don’t really know how. I know this I a mental state. I know that there are things you can do to keep the worry at bay, but even when I try to take my mind off of what is worrying me, I always, inevitably go back to the comfortable place, of worry. I say comfortable, it really isn’t that. It’s painful, it’s annoying and it is like a drop of water in a constantly overflowing glass.
I am alone. I have family, I have friends, but I am alone. I live alone, with my pets, and the few friends I have in town are all married, have kids, and their lives are moving alone at a steady pace. I sit here alone. I have not been in a relationship for a little over ten years. The one relationship I was in really wasn’t fulfilling to me. After five years I ended it, knowing that it wasn’t right for me, and while at the time it began it was what I needed, as the years went by, I realized I wanted more, so I ended it.
I had one boyfriend that I lived with when I was 22 years old. That ended just before I turned 25, and it ended badly. I have never really had anyone in my life in that way again. And even that relationship was a struggle. I was the one working, I was the one keeping things going, trying, paying the bills and just barely making ends meet. I don’t want that again.
So hear I sit, at times feeling numb inside. If it wasn’t for worry, would I even feel anything? I have small bits of happy here and there. I do love my pets. It is because of them that I wake up and get out of bed some mornings. It is because of them that I just keep moving alone, hoping for things to finally “get better.” I know, I am not the only one in this “funk.” But, it’s my funk, and it hurts, and it’s been where I have made my home for way too long.
When I was younger, I wanted to find someone to fall in love with. Someone to marry, buy a home with, have children with. That never happened. It was only when I turned forty that I realized, children would never happen. I still thought maybe they would, but after forty-five I really knew it would never happen, and while I don’t think I really wanted kids, I still wanted them, if that makes sense. Be it because society expected it of me, or because of some part of me just wanted to have a child so that I would no longer have to be alone.
I have a sadness inside my soul, I cannot explain fully. I don’t even want to try. I put the mask on daily, and I keep moving forward, in the hopes that the sadness will quiet down, go away, leave me to better things. But then, I sit and realize, I’ve been moving forward for more years than I care to admit here, and still the sadness won’t go away.
I see myself, in this dream, in a house. With a small yard, my cats happy, healthy. My dog sitting quietly in the sun, as I sit on the couch drawing, waiting for my love to serve me some tea. It is a dream I am afraid it will never happen, I truly do. And I hate admitting that, because in the back of my mind, I fear that admitting it, will make it a reality. The reality I am living in now.
I belong to a closed writing group. Now and then I’ll post a few things here. 🙂
Monday, April 7, 2014
The phone rings. It’s your mother and she’s upset. “What’s wrong?” you ask. “It’s your father. A spell has been cast upon him and he’s been frozen solid.” You pause, knowing two things that your mother doesn’t: 1) This is your fault and 2) you’re the only one who can fix it. “Don’t worry, Mom. I’ll take care of it.” Write this scene.
Fix your father:
Molly woke up to the loud ring of her phone. She’d stayed up way past her bedtime the night before working on a case. After realizing that her machine wasn’t going to pick up the call, she slowly reached her arm over to the night stand and picked up the receiver.
“Hello,” she said, her mouth muffled by the pillow.
“Oh, good morning dear,” said her mother.
“Hi mom.” Replied Molly
“Dear, I’m sorry to bother you so early, but there’s a bit of… um well there’s a problem with your father,” said her mom.
“Hmm?” was all Molly could muster in her half comatose state.
“Oh goodness, I suppose I may as well just come right out and say it. Your father is frozen dear.”
Molly’s eyes popped open and she sat straight up. “Frozen? What do you mean frozen?”
“Frozen, as in he’s just sitting there not moving with a goofy grin on his face.”
Molly covered the receiver and rolled her eyes, “Christ on a pogo stick! Walter!!!”
“Mom, is he just stiff and can’t move or is he frozen cold.” Asked Mommy.
“I don’t see what difference that makes, the man can’t move!” said her mother in exasperation.
“Okay, okay, I’ll be over in a bit,” from behind Walter came flying into the room, literally…flying.
“What’s going on?” asked the large crow.
“It’s dad, he’s frozen!”
“CRAP!” exclaimed Walter.
“Who are you talking to?” asked her mother.
“Walter,” said Molly
“Oh, say hello from me,” said her mother cheerfully.
“Mom says hi,” said Molly as she looked at the crow. “Okay, we’ll be over in a bit.” She said and hung up the phone.
Molly hurriedly put on her yoga pants and a blue sweatshirt with a picture of a cats butt on it, that said, “Talk to the butt, ‘cuz the face don’t want to hear it.”
“So what’s going on?” asked Walter. Walter was a crow with an enchantment. Molly had found him near death at the base of a hill she’d been gathering some herbs from. She took him home and nursed him back to health; only to find out he had lived for many years with a witch. She had died and Walter was left to fend for himself, and had been caught off guard by an eagle trying to make a quick meal of him.
“Apparently dad is frozen. Mom said he can’t move and he’s just sitting there with a stupid grin on his face.”
“Is she sure he’s not just constipated? I’ve seen him like that before you know.” Answered Walter.
Molly looked at Walter and adjusted her glasses, “I don’t think ex-lax is going to fix this.” Molly walked to the kitchen and went through the cupboards. She was looking for a small red bottle. “Aha!” she exclaimed when she found it. “Got it.”
Walter looked at the label and began to laugh.
“It’s not funny,” said Molly.
“The hell it’s not. How did your dad get your hot flash cocktail?” asked Walter.
“I left a bottle over there when they were out of town last week. He must have just thought it was orange juice.” Molly threw the bottle in her purse, and waited for Walter to perch himself on her shoulder and then got in her car and sped to her parent’s home. When she got there she let herself in and immediately went into the living room where her mother sat waiting with her frozen stiff father.
“Ah, there you are dear. Are you hungry? Do you want some breakfast?” her mother hugged her and pet Walter on the head.
“No thanks, mom, maybe just some coffee.” Replied Molly.
“I was talking to Walter.” Said her mom.
“Some crickets would be nice.” Said Walter, as Molly’s mother smiled and nodded.
Molly shook her head and sat down next to her father as she opened the bottle.
“Okay dad, I’m going to pour some of this into your mouth. I’ll have to tilt you back a bit, so just let it run down your throat.” With that she eased her father back and poured some of the liquid into his mouth. Within seconds her father began to relax and move.
“Fucking hell!” he exclaimed. “What the hell happened?” He asked, and then looked at Walter. “Oh hey there Walt.” Walter waved a wing at the man and continued to stare at him, waiting.
“Dad,” she began in a whisper making sure her mother did not hear, “how many times have I told you, don’t drink anything you see in my green containers” Molly stood and watched her father as he himself stood and stretched.
“I forgot, and I was thirsty, so kill me.” He began shaking his arms and legs to get the circulation going. As he did so, Molly’s mother returned with a small plate of dead crickets.
“Oh, you fixed your father!” she exclaimed happily.
Molly’s father smiled and began to beat his chest, “Yup, as good as new.” He then frowned and stopped, and looked down.
“What’s wrong?” asked his wife.
Walter began to eat his crickets hastily, as though the proverbial shit was about to hit the fan and he wanted to make sure he ate his breakfast before all hell broke loose.
“Dad what’s wrong?” asked Molly.
“I HAVE TITS!”