It’s hard making that final decision.

I have lost three in the last 4 years, and as devastating it has been, and as guilty as I will always feel, I think, I hope, I made the right decision for them. I think I did.
 
With Tati, I knew that I would not have her for long, and actually, I had her longer than the vets had predicted. She was a couple of months shy of 5 years old. But, because of her FeLV status, she developed a tumor in her lung and her lungs were filling with fluid. I had the alternative of continually bringing her in to drain the fluid from her lungs regularly, and she was starting to have days when she didn’t want to eat. I never wanted her to suffer and I let her go.
With Vlad, I live with the regret and guilt that I put him through so much. I just wanted to keep him alive. I didn’t want to say, “I should have tried this or that.” I wanted to give him every conceivable change to get better. The night he died, I left him overnight with the hopes that if he was able to rally we would try one more thing. I lost him that very night. I couldn’t be with him, and not being able to hold him in his final moments is something I will never forgive myself for. I am thankful that his vet called me and held the phone to his ear so that I could talk to him. If I had it to do over, I would have let him go that night before I left, even though I would have been there alone, at least I would have held him.
 
With Czari, it was a shock to me. It all came so suddenly, but when I found out how difficult surgery would be for a cat her age, then the recovery, and then to hear that her xrays showed a dark patch in her brain, I knew. She’d already spent two weeks suffering and in pain. I had to let her go.
 
I hope and pray I don’t have to make a decision this hard again for a very long time.
I’ve linked this article as it has some good information and hopefully will help some of you out there. Knowing the right time to say goodbye to a pet
 

The loss of a pet is never easy

A couple of weeks ago I had to say good-bye, for now, to my beloved Tortie, Czarina.  She developed a serious issue in her left ear which led to a difficult decision.  I won’t go into the specifics, but in the end, letting her go was the most compassionate thing I was able to do for her.  She was 15 years old, and I had her for 12 of those years.  I thought I had more time with my beautiful girl, but sadly I did not.  I am thankful for all of these years I had with her, and I am thankful that even though I already had 4 cats, I decided to bring her inside when I found her.  She was an amazing and loving girl.  She was the one who slept cuddled in my arms. I miss that very much. She is with my boy, Vlad and my sweet Tati. She is no longer in pain.

 

We were together Czari

Medical conditions and changing doctors

I have, for the past two years, been dealing with serious issued due to my asthma.  Last year at the beginning of the year I began taking some new medication.  Xolair, which is given every two weeks, two shots at a time.  My Pulmonologist also prescribed for me Combivent and the ProAir HFA.  Now, these two are inhalers, and he had told me to use the Combivent for maintenance.  I did this for close to a year.  October of last year, I realized, my condition was not getting any better.  I had decided it might be time for a new doctor.  So, I put my auto deliveries of Xolair on hold and changed doctors.  I’ve had to wait to see this new doctor because he was not taking in new patients until now.

Today was my first appointment.  I am both angry and relieved.  I am angry because I came to learn that what I was initially told was a maintenance medication, Combivent, is actually an emergency inhaler.  Combivent is a combination of two drugs, one of which is albuterol, ProAir is albuterol.  I’ve been double dosing myself basically for nearly a year.  It’s been so bad that I’ve been using these inhalers 6 to 8 times a day.  It’s no wonder I’m tired all the time!!!  Honestly, I’m surprised I’ve not dropped dead of a heart attack.

My new doctor gave me a new maintenance medication, along with instructions to ONLY use one inhaler and only as needed.  He also called me a little while ago because he’d forgotten to tell me to begin taking Allegra and also to tell me he called in medication to the pharmacy for post nasal drip.  He took x-rays and even did a pulmonary breathing test in his office.

I finally feel like I’m actually going to start getting better!  You really have to be your own advocate.  I wish I had done this sooner.  I may not have struggled so much with my breathing.

Audiobooks and online streaming

in 2015 I moved out of the condo I was renting and wound up having to move to the only place I could find on such short notice which was an efficiency.  Actually, it’s a master bedroom which is closed off from the main house.  This wasn’t ideal, but I needed a place to live that would let me have my cats and dog.  I thought, okay this is just temporary, 6 months, maybe a year max.  3 years later, I’m still there.  Just can’t afford to move.

But, on the up-side, the place is small so I really don’t have to spend too much time keeping it clean and picked up.  AND, free wi-fi.  I don’t have cable, which I thought would be torture, but I’ve actually come to appreciate not having to spend that obscene amount of money monthly for 500 channels, of which I only watch 5.

What do I watch?  I have Netflix, of course, Amazon Prime, YouTube Red, and I also have a  monthly subscription for Audible.  I’m a little late in the game, but I have discovered Podcasts. I’ve been without cable for 3 years, and I really haven’t missed it.  At first, though, I was thinking, “OMG what the hell am I going to do now?”  But really, I love not having cable.  In fact, when I finally have a normal place to live I won’t be getting cable again.  I will set myself up with a good internet plan and that’s it.

If anyone is thinking about cutting the cable cord, DO IT!!!  You won’t be sorry.

New year, new post.

I had to go back to last year to see when the last time I posted.  DAMN!  It’s been a while.  What’s worse is that in that last blog post I had intended to actually post more often.  I need to stop these once a year posts.  Seriously!

So, here we are, and I’m back.  I spent most of last year dealing with my asthma.  I’ve been taking high doses of prednisone for about a year.  If you have never taken this then let me tell you, it sucks!  I’ve gained well over 25 pounds and I haven’t seen my jawline in over a year.  Moon face and a hump at the base of my neck, not very attractive.  I’m also using two different inhalers on a daily basis as well as a medication called Xolair.  The Xolair was supposed to help me cut back on the other medications, mainly the prednisone, but it didn’t help.  After about a year of this, and only being able to see the pulmonologist occasionally, I decided to just see someone else in the hopes that another doctor can at least give me some answers as to what is going on and not just pump me with medication.

Now, in other news.  What else is new, well my hair is thinning.  Yup, my hair that I’ve always loved and been so proud of how full and thick it was, is fucking thinning and falling out.  At first, it wasn’t too bad, but in the past four months, it’s just gotten really bad.  The texture also changed too, and this I blame on the prednisone, as the hair loss.  It’s frizzy all the time, nothing I could do helped, so I finally just cut it short.  Oddly enough, this has helped a bit.  I’ve also been wearing wigs, which I have found to be something I enjoy.  I’ll do some posts on the ones I have in the future and post some photos.

All of the furry-butts are doing well and I’m still living in that studio/bedroom efficiency.  I am hoping to find a larger place soon.  I’m really in need of some more room, and some windows!!!  I’d love to have a kitchen again, and a living room, and did I say windows?

I’m also considering revamping the page a bit, but I still like the theme I have so i may just leave it.

 

 

Getting back into this.

Wow!  I didn’t realize I had been gone so long.  I originally created this to have a place to write and connect with people.  Somewhere along the way I just left this by the wayside.  My last real post was back in 2014 and then I posted an article in 2017.

A lot has changed.

During the Christmas holidays of 2014, I was fired from a job I’d been at for nearly 11 years.  My boss was always an asshole, but this time he really made it obvious.  I was able to find another job in May of 2015 thankfully.   Then in August of the same year, I said goodbye to Tati, my sweet little FeLV kitty.  She almost made it to 5, and I am thankful she lived as long as she did.  Cats with her disease don’t live much past 2 or 3.

Sadly, I also lost the love of my life in November of the same year.  Vlad crossed the bridge after suffering from a blood disease for nearly a year.  I miss him so very much.  He was my soul mate and it hurts more because I was unable to be there for him in the end.  They called me from the vet’s office and there was no time for me to get there.  But my voice was the last voice he heard as he left this world, and I am grateful that at least I have that.

During that time I had moved to a new place.  A very small place, actually, it’s a master bedroom suite.  It’s a section of a house closed off.  It’s the only place I was able to find that I could afford and the only place that allowed me to have all of my cats and my dog, and for that, I am extremely grateful as well.

This journey has been difficult and at times I have felt very alone.  My health is not the best right now.  I am dealing with uncontrolled asthma and it’s no fun.  I’ve been taking prednisone now since December of 2017 and my face looks like a basketball.  It’s swollen as is my neck and shoulders.  Just one of the side-effects.  Oh, and I’m losing my hair so yay fun.

Another big change in my life is I have decided to explore more my spiritual self.  Organized religion is something I never felt comfortable with completely, and have always felt the call of the old ways.  Witchcraft, yeah, those old ways.

This exploration has given me a new positivity.  I feel like myself finally and I am able to create my own way.  This is not to say that I have stopped believing in many of my Catholic/Christian beliefs, but I just added a few other beliefs. Like I said, I have never totally felt comfortable with organized religion and often believed several different things at the same time, merging it all in my head and making my own way.

This blog is taking a new direction and will include so many different, new and some old things.  I still want to review food, talk about my pets, post my art, and generally bitch and moan about shit.  But, I’ll also be adding some new things.

This is my journey and you are welcome to tag along. If not that’s okay, best of luck to you on your own journey.  Oh, and no, I am not going to hell but thanks for thinking of me.