The Search goes on.

My job search continues. I’ve been actively looking for another job since the last week of October of 2010, and actively sending out my resume and just applying online for jobs on a daily/weekly basis since then. For all that, I’ve had a total of 4 actual interviews. To say it’s tough out there in the job market is putting it mildly. I was lucky enough to have a friend help me get my resume looking quite impressive, Thank you once again, Crystal.

I’ve been concentrating my focus on institutions, like colleges/universities and hospitals, as well as city government jobs. These are places that are still impacted by a bad economy, but not as much, and they usually offer good benefits. The private sector, not so much. A private sector job will usually offer you little to a decent salary and the same when it comes to benefits such as health insurance and retirement (401K, pension, etc…)

I’m in a sticky place. I make a certain amount, that if I go below that, it would be very hard on me financially, therefore I need a job that will contribute fully to my health insurance. That’s just the way it is. Right now, after I pay all of my necessities, rent, car payment, car insurance, utilities, cable, cell phone (the last two I’ve adjusted several times to the lowest possible plans), I have about $400 left over (the gang and Sofie’s food is added into the necessities). This has to buy my food for the month, put gas in my car and it has to pay for my asthma medication. I have two medications. My Advair which costs $250 and Xopenex which is basically used as a 4-6 hour and emergency inhaler, it’s about $60. I’ll give you one guess which one I wind up buying 75% of the time. So, if I accepted a job paying me less money it would be hard, but doable, IF I didn’t have to pay anything toward my insurance.

But, if I accepted a job that paid me less and I had to contribute toward insurance, or even offered to pay me the same salary and I had to contribute toward insurance, I’d still be worse off than I am now. I have a pre-existing condition. That means, when I get insurance, no insurance company, let me repeat that, NO insurance company will cover anything having to do with my asthma for 12 months. I’ll have insurance, but the one thing I really need for it to cover, my medications, I would be responsible to pay full price for, for 12 months. There is no getting around that. So you can see why it would be a necessity for me to have to find something that at the very least, pays for my insurance fully, or pays me enough so that if I did have to cover a portion, I’d have that extra pay to do that with.

I know my situation isn’t unique. There are a lot of people out there with the same problem. Yes, I’m miserable where I am. Yes, I want to move on. I can’t stand my boss anymore and I’m incredibly unhappy with my job and my position. But, I have the advantage of actually having a job while I look for something better. Because of that, I have to keep telling myself to be patient and wait for something that will give me what I need and not have to continue struggling.

So, here I sit. In my tiny office, updating my blog. Chumming the job sites with my resume, hoping to get a bite from the big one. Hoping to find something I can be at the very least moderately happy with. One very positive thing is at least I’m getting experience with the interviews. With each interview I’m more confident. I take what I feel I didn’t do well from one interview and improve on that. I remember the questions I didn’t know how to answer at the time and find within myself the answer I should have given. I think that’s a good thing.

I feel so defeated today.

There are days that make me feel like disappearing from the world. Today is one of those days.

I’ve been feeding some of the strays where I live for several months. For maybe about 2 or 3 months there has been this little calico cat coming to the stairwell where I leave the food. She can’t be more than 8 or 9 months old and was the smallest little girl. She was always the first one waiting in the morning and in the afternoon. Friday morning I noticed she wasn’t there, then Saturday and Sunday. I dreaded it, but knew something must have happened. This morning, it was confirmed by the maintenance man where I live he’d found her in the pool. I suspect she got into something. I’ve noticed cars with anti-freeze/coolant under their cars. It’s getting hot here and no doubt cars using their ac and sometimes coolant leaks, and I wonder if maybe she got into some and perhaps tried drinking water after.

It’s hit me very hard this little one’s death. She meowed at me last week, for the first time. I half felt she was angry at me for being late with her food. I kept wondering if maybe I could squeeze one more into the apartment. But I know I can’t. I pray daily that God or whoever is up there watching us, helps me and I can find the means to get myself a little house. One with a yard or better still, a screened porch. I’d take those strays with me and give them a safe place to live.

I wish I could have done more, wish I could do more.

I feel like crawling away and not knowing anything about anyone or anything. I’m tired of hurting. I think sometimes I feel too much, but then I’m afraid of not feeling enough.

Christ, the last thing I needed was to have this little cat die. First, Coconut passed away, then I almost lost Sofie after her spay, and now my little calico stray. Right now, I feel like I could cry for days and still not feel relief. My heart hurts.

All I can do is brush myself off and keep going. That’s all I ever do, brush away the tears and keep going. Where am I going though? Right now it seems nowhere and I wonder if that will ever change.