You're never where you thought you'd be.

I say this because, at least for me, I never actually thought I’d be living my life the way I am.

As a child, I always thought I’d be like my parents.  I’d grow up, get married have some kids and be happy.  As I grew older, I realized things don’t always work out as you would like them to as a child.

My mother was diagnosed with cancer when I was around 10 or 11.  From then until she died our lives revolved around trying to make her better and comfortable.  So much so, we moved from Michigan to Florida, because in Florida she would have someone to spend time with her while my father worked.  I will forever be thankful to my aunt for making that possible.

When my mother died, things were difficult for a while, and my father and I were constantly at odds.  After I graduated, I decided I wanted to be a photographer.  I went to the community college and took art and photography classes.  In high school and college, I was a very good artist.  I loved to draw.  And at the end of my semester in photography, my teacher said I had a bright future ahead of me if I continued.

I went to community college for about 2 years on and off, but I needed to work, to help my father with bills.  So, I dropped out.  My dreams changed, and I thought I can always go back to school.  I then met Tony, at the time he was the first and only boyfriend I had ever had.  To this day our three and a half years remains the longest relationship I’ve ever had with a guy, and looking back now, it really ended six months into our being together.

Still, I wanted to marry him and have kids.  When things ended between us, he left me and moved back to Gainesville.  It was during this time Hurricane Andrew blew into Miami, and I wound up living with my aunt.  My car flooded, and all of my artwork and photo’s I’d taken were damaged and lost.  I never really drew again.  For several months, I pined for Tony.  Always making plans to move to Gainesville.  I’d even ordered several newspapers from the area to look at the job situation.  I visited him during Thanksgiving and spent over $300 on Christmas presents for him.  On New Years I finally realized, my wheels were just spinning, and nothing would ever, could ever come of us.  So, I moved on.

My brother was married, my dad had remarried, my cousins were married, everyone in my family was married.  My brother and cousins began to have kids and I was happy and excited because I thought my turn would come soon.  It was when I was about 35 that I really realized having kids may not happen.  At 41 I knew for sure kids were not in my future.  I no longer have the patience or desire to give that much of myself.  That and I would not have a child as a single woman.  Not that I have a problem with being single and having kids, but I know how hard it is for single mothers.  It’s hard enough for me to support myself now, I can’t even imagine having to support a child also.  Sure I’d probably have help from my dad, but he’s retired and it would not be fair to burden him and his wife with having to take care of my kids or even help me monetarily.

So, my dreams have changed.  I thought by this time in my life, I’d be married with 2 or 3 kids.  I’m fine with not having children.  For a long time, I mourned the kids I would never have, but now I’m okay with it.  I have my beautiful cats, whom I absolutely love and spoil to no end.  Those little furry four-legged creatures are my kids, and I have no problem saying so.  I adore them.  As for marriage, well I still would like that.  At the very least, I’d like to meet someone who I can share interests with, do fun things with, and enjoy life with.

I sit here at work and wonder how to go about getting to the point of not dreading coming to work.  I know, it’s time for me to go but, that’s easier said than done.  I would not be able to support myself right now if I changed jobs.  For now, I stay here.  But, I”m keeping my eyes open.

Sure I wish there were some things in my life that were different.  Like, my mother still being alive, or my having kept up my pursuit of photography, or even if I hadn’t met Tony.  But because those things happened, I have met the people I know today.  Every relationship I have, be it in person or over the internet I would not have, if anything in my life had not been the way it was.

No, I’m not where I thought I’d be, but I am where I am supposed to be.

For now…:)

I'm in such a rut!

I really wish I had another option in the job department.  I’m grateful to even have a job, I just wish I had another job.  Something I liked, something I wasn’t so bored with, something that really would make a difference somehow.

I might be able to find something like that, but the problem is, no way would I be able to support myself on the salary.  I make pretty decent money, and that’s only because my boss and I have been working together for so long and he trusts me with the business.  So much so I’ve got signing rights on the company bank account and access even to his own personal bank account.

He’s a douche-bag, but he’s a trusting douche-bag.  I’d never find another job that would pay me this much, without a college degree and entry level.

My ideal job?  Working in some way with animals.  I’d love that.  Or doing something creative.  I don’t know what, but something lol.

Oy, what I need is to win the damned lottery!  Riiiiiight.  What are the odds?

Who needs a plumber, I've got diapers!

Yes, you read right, diapers.

Ever since I moved into this apartment, the sink in my bathroom had a very slow drain.  I don’t really use the sink much, since I brush my teeth and wash my face in the shower.  Last Sunday, I got some hair dye in the sink, so I tried to wash it off and the water wouldn’t go down.  I poured Liquid Plumber AND Drano.  Nothing.  That fucking water didn’t budge.

Today I’d had it.  I’ve had the gangs upstairs litter box out of the bathroom, and kept the door closed.  I didn’t want them to get into that sink.  The smell of the chemicals and stagnant water was starting to creep down the stairs.  My only option was to unscrew the pipe under the sink.  Um, no.  I’ve done that before, a few years ago when I dropped my contact lens down the sink.  I found the lens, but the mess was gross.

I decided, okay, I’ll get a turkey baster, suck the water out and clean the sink and plug it.  Went to the Ross across the street, no turkey baster.  Went to CVS which is next door, nothing.  I walked around for a while, then it hit me.  Really, it literally hit me.  They were stocking up the diapers and a couple of the packages fell off the shelf and on me.  Hey, if diapers can soak up pee while a baby sleeps then it can suck up the water in the sink!  Yes, I could have used tampons or pads, but the diapers were on sale.

Well, I bought the diapers, came home, put on some rubber gloves and 10 diapers later, the water is gone BABY!!!!  YEAH!!!!!  Believe me, the diapers were way less messy than taking those pipes apart.

I'm not ashamed to admit it…

my cat is smarter than me.

Oksana, to be specific.   Since November of 2009 my poor girl has been suffering with cystitis on and off.  It comes about every 2 months or so.  I’ve taken her to the vet several times, and they have never found anything wrong other than her bladder is inflamed.  The vet and I believe now it’s Idiopathic Cystitis, which means it’s cause is unknown and possibly stress or anxiety related.

I believe this to be what she has because Vlad and Maks drive her nuts.  Oksana is a cat that likes to keep to herself.  If she’s not in the mood for company or being touched or even looked at she’ll let you know it, and not nicely.  Vlad and Maks see this as a challenge and they bother her to no end.  So it’s no surprise she’s stressed out.

I spoke to the vet and she’s looking into medication that will A. help with the bladder issue and B. help with the stress/anxiety.  I told her it needs to be if at all possible in cream form, because trying to give Oksana a pill is like trying to stop that Gulf oil spill with a wine cork.  In a word…Impossible!

The first time she got it, I had to give her these huge pills.  I opted for just taking her to the vet every day for 10 days and having them do it.  Yeah, she was wailing like a banshee.  It was after this first episode that she acquired the huge red dot on her records folder.

The second time, they gave her a liquid antibiotic to help with the swelling and the vet told me to give her Cosequin.  During the visit I asked if they could give her the first pill and I’d take over the next day, since it was a capsule.  They went through 3 pills, she pooped on the exam table, she scratched the vet and her red dot got even bigger.

This last time, I gave her antibiotics for a few days.  She knows when I’m giving it to her.  Even if I hide the dropper.  She hides under the bed, then runs out the opposite side I’m on.  Then runs to the kitchen, and jumps up onto the top of the cabinets.  Which means I have to get the step ladder, get on the counter, grab her while she’s screaming and growling, step down the counter to the step ladder, wrap her in a towel then give her the medication, half of which goes on me.

I also decided to give the Cosequin another try as well as giving her the Xanax that didn’t work to calm Vlad down for his vet visits.  The Xanax wasn’t too difficult.  They are small, and when you split them even smaller.  She loves cheese, so for at least a few days I was able to hide the pills in cheese, until she got wise to me.  I tried sticking the pill in her food, but she’d just eat around the pill.  Crushing it isn’t really an option, because as I’ve learned with the Cosequin, it’s a crap shoot.  She may or may not eat her food.

So, I’ve settled for a happy medium, sort of.  For treats I buy them kitty crack, a.k.a. freeze dried chicken treats.  Halo makes these and are packaged as Liv-a-littles.  There is also another brand called Real Food Toppers.  I buy these and grind about half of them in my coffee grinder.  This allows me to sprinkle it over their food, and Voilà, they eat it.

Of course this doesn’t mean I’ve put one over Oksana. No, far from it.  When I feed them, she and Vlad usually sit on the counter, on opposite ends.   She watches me, I swear she does this to see if I’m doing anything to her food!  I literally have to wait until she looks the other way to put the Cosequin in her food, and then at the speed of light mix the food and make it “look” like the other little food mounds on the other plates.  Then I sprinkle a little extra of the chicken crack on her food.

Some days I win, some days she eats around the area the pill is mixed in.  This morning I had a small victory and and she ate most of the food mixed with the Cosequin.   Tonight, we’ll see.  I’ll tell you, I felt like an ass standing there at the counter, pretending to do something else as I looked at her out of the corner of my eyes, waiting for her to turn her head and not see me add the stuff to her food.

So yes, my cat is smarter than me.  Anybody got a problem with that?  Huh?  Pfft, I didn’t think so.

I would have preferred a simple drive by.

Some of you know I’m doing the online dating thing.  Or, in my case the “How NOT to find a nice guy” thing.  Honestly, I can’t say I’ve met one guy that isn’t either shallow, looking for a booty-call, freak in disguise, or just plain indecisive and rude.

Maybe it’s because the sites I’m on are free sites, but I refuse to pay $30, $40 and $60 a month for Lord knows how long just to date someone.  Yeah, maybe they’re better quality nut-jobs but I’m not willing to part with my much needed cashola.  I’d rather buy myself a blouse, or a new pair of shoes, or get the gang something other than my sofa to file their nails on.

So anyway, the reason for this post.  About a week ago, on my birthday to be exact, I had a coffee date with someone.  We met at this Starbucks near my place.  He had several things going for him.  He didn’t lie about his height first of all, and he looked just like his photos.  He was nice and we had a really nice flowing conversation.  He asked me for my number and even asked where my blog was located.   So I thought I’d just met a nice guy who I could get to know further.  Someone who liked movies and eating out and having good conversations.

I emailed him the following day, and thanked him for meeting me. Then he asked me for my blog address, which I gave him.  Um…yeah.  I never heard from him again. Which is fine.  I mean I really didn’t have much more than a couple of hours of my time invested in the guy.  I thought he either was just being “nice” asking for my number, or he read my blog and decided I just wasn’t what he was looking for.  I have no problem with the latter, but hey we’re adults here, do me a favor and don’t ask me for my number if you aren’t going to use it. I could care less if you call me or not, but don’t pretend to care.  I’m not a big phone talker anyway.

Now, I’d all but forgotten about this guy, when this morning as I was on my way to work, I hear a car next to me honking after my light turned green.  I looked over and this guy’s looking at me, all smiles.  “Hey, I know you!” he says.   So I waited a few seconds trying to remember if I knew this guy, then realized it was the guy I met a week ago.   I smiled and waved, he pulled in behind me when we got to the next light and I waved again.

As I drove off I thought, “Why did he even bother?”  I never heard back from the guy, he could easily have just driven past me and I would never have even recognized him or thought about him ever again.  But he felt the need to be cute by honking at me and saying something funny?

I’ve been in that situation in reverse.  Whether it was me who never called back or it was me who was never called, I just don’t even bother, I just keep on driving or walking by.  I think doing that would be less rude.