Honestly, I don’t know where to go. Don’t know what to do, don’t know what I really WANT to do. I have an idea of what I’d love to do with my life, but I have to be realistic and admit, there’s not much money in what I want to do, and I need to support myself. Right now, it’s all just a dream. A dream I hope so fulfill someday. For now, I find myself still on that treadmill. Running in the same place, and getting nowhere really.
I’ve stopped actively looking for another job. It’s been over three years of searching and still nothing. So yes, at this point I’m just quitting. There’s just so much rejection one can take until you just admit to yourself you aren’t going to find anything. And as I finally decide to just stop looking, it is now that my company will likely lose it’s largest client, thus now would be the perfect time for me to actually look for a job.
Depression is something I am dealing with still. I do have good days, but the bad days still creep up on me. I have to force myself to write. I HAVE to. I used to be able to write every day. I wrote and loved it, and I do believe I was quite good at it. Now, the though of sitting down and writing something makes me cringe. I know a lot of that has to do with just not being happy with my work life. I can’t help but let it affect me in my writing.
I had a dream last night. I started my volunteer job. I went to the hospital, but couldn’t find my way to the department I was to work in. I literally walked that entire hospital, until it turned into night, and couldn’t not find the department. I finally found it at the end of the day, and cried and told the woman I had gotten lost. She smiled and laughed a little and said something but I didn’t understand what she said. I guessed she just told me to come back in the morning.
Very symbolic, that in my dream I still wander.